Someone
I don’t really respect, in fact I really don’t even like him, was once my
editor when I was writing for some Catholic outsources. I have this sort of
natural style I sort of lean towards when I write: analytical, critical, sharp,
intense and some would say arrogant… and I would have to agree. Well this
editor started pushing me; he wanted me to write differently. He used to say,
“How are you going to touch anyone writing like a piece of wood, if you don’t
put yourself in your writing it won’t affect 99% of the people out there, and
100% of people reading this!” I used to get so mad. Why do people care about
me? Well it turns out that man was right. I can write volume after volume of
purely intellectual works, but what is the point if I am not doing any good
with it. Years later, I am still working on it. So now, I want to be honest,
plain and sincere. I want to tell you what has really been going on behind the
stage curtains of my life. This story is the same reason I took the last week
off from blogging. I think the end note will be worth it, I hope you stick with
me…this may be long… I hope my honesty can touch you in some way.
This
last week was pretty rough for me. To start it off I have been fighting some
summer bug that I just can’t get rid of for the last three weeks. I have been
having a lot of difficulties with the university I will be studying at this
semester. I am no longer friends with the group of people I spent the last four
years with. My best friend too is in that group, it just is not good for me to
be around her, which of course has not been fun. I started out the summer looking set
financially, well that all fell apart in the last few weeks. I feel like a
stranger in my own home; I guess it isn’t really home anymore. My older brother,
whom I used to look up to more than anyone, called me a bigot the other day. My
parents agree with him but refuse to admit it, which I wish they would. I am supposed
to be moving to a place where I don’t feel welcome; it feels as if I am that
awkward cousin everyone forgets about. I am lagging far behind on my summer
reading and studies. I’ve been working construction for my family, so I am not
getting paid. And the other day I was sent this article… not pleasant. In this
article, two men I know well and had considered to be pious and holy men are scandalized
by actions of theirs. It really made me question a lot of what I have been
surrounded by and the people I know. This has just been a tipping point; I am
personally fed up with watching all the hope around me fly away.
Now
let me say, I am blest, there are more people out there who have it worse then
I then who have it better. I know I am complaining, but I want you to get what
is in my head.
I
have been walking around in this sort of haze, not knowing really where I am
walking. The last few days were so crazy that I can’t really articulate the
whirlwind of emotions I encountered. The only thing I remember is a lot of
hopeless nights, a lot of sleepless nights, and a lot of weakness. What should
I have done? Prayer seemed unimportant, to be frank. I could not grasp my head
around how to handle all this nonsense. I made so many stupid mistakes, it is
so obvious. Now I am one of those guys who gets calls in the middle of the
night to talk to crying friends about their bad days. I just know how to shut up
and listen, which is awesome, and I love being able to help. Lets be honest
though, I clearly wasn’t in the best place to be giving advice this week, but
the calls didn’t stop. I just pretended everything was fine. Now how did that
affect me? Well, I sort of got annoyed… again being honest here. Why do I have
to be this kid with this reputation of wisdom beyond his years, a guy who is
supposed to know God and can help others find Him, what makes people think I am
this really good and holy guy, do they know something I don’t? I never got any
of it, but it is what I am asked to do.
I assure you I don’t know anything you don’t. Still there is something
in all this. So one night in my bitter despair, I got a message. Basically
saying “so we haven’t talked in… wow it’s been a while (what’s your last name
again?)… so how are things?... good that’s cool, oh me you know same old stuff…
I mean… (Insert drama and pain and suffering). I am not at all putting this
down and I am so glad this girl came to me, but that’s just how it sounded in
my head. So I am talking to her and just trying to let her vent, listening…
then I say something that surprised me… “What a gift that is, how blest you are
with graces to have endured such a thing…” yeah I don’t speak like that, or at
least I didn’t use to. I am more like you know God is there, I know it’s hard,
but it is natural. The whole blest and graces talk was so upbeat! I am so much
more laid back then that. It just isn’t my style. So what was that all about? I
had to look at myself and figure out why I said that. (Because I don’t just
accept anything, I am ultra cynical, even about myself)
What
I found was something I have believed for a while, but something I tend to
forget: I am lucky to suffer. No really I may be a little out there but I am
sane, I promise. Let me tell you why I believe that.
I
was in high school, and one day a really good friend comes up to me, now she
has been looking down for a while and so I wasn’t surprised to hear the shaking
in her voice, but what she said hit me
hard. “Hey,---(my name)---, I am getting tested for cancer.”- me “WHAT!(angry)”
–“yeah I have been going to the doctor a lot they think it’s cancer,” –“how
come you didn’t tell me?” –“I haven’t told anyone” –“when do you get the
results” –“two months and I will know for sure” –“that’s ridiculous, two
months!(how sensitive right?)” –“yeah I know …” –“are you ok, really…” (here
was probably the longest and most incredibly terrifying three seconds of
silence in my life) –“I’m really scared…”—“Don’t be, you will be fine, I
promise, nothing’s going to happen, it’s all going to be fine…” I still don’t know why I said that. I probably
shouldn’t have what if I turned out to be wrong. My friend just stared at me, I
told her to go get lunch, we would talk more later. What I did next is the
interesting part.
Now
before I tell you how the story ends I want you to know, I am no great guy, I
just love intensely.
So
I left my friend and went straight to this chapel, and I knelt down and prayed
harder than I ever had before. Decade after decade, so long that I know I
missed a class or two. What was I praying? The same thing over and over again…
“God save her; let me suffer instead…” I meant every word of it, and God
answered my prayer. My days got harder and more challenging. God took all the
things in my life I took for granted, the things I loved were taken. The Lord
took from me, leaving my friend to be cleared and proclaimed perfectly healthy
within a few months. Doctors were amazed, I wasn’t. Good answered me, I was
lucky, no blest to suffer. The great saints talk about suffering as the great
way to serve God, and save souls. Perhaps, there is no witness to Christ
without suffering. It took threatening someone so important to me to finally
get it. Still, there is so much more beauty to suffering (yes I said beauty). That
knowledge deep in my being is why so many nights later I would be able to
remind someone to be grateful for the strength to endure her suffering.
On
Christmas morning, did you ever come downstairs to see this really big box, and
you start unwrapping it and open it to find another box, a bit smaller. You
repeat the process again and again until you get to a really small box… at this
point you are a little annoyed. Finally you open the last box and in it is the
most wonderful and perfect present. For the longest time it seemed like you
were being fooled, lied to by those who were supposed to love you. But then you
get there and realize that all the waiting and endurance was worth it. That is suffering… the gift wrapped so deep
that it is difficult to distinguish as a gift until the end. I had forgotten
that until recently. I lost hope because I lost sight of the purpose to
suffering, the reason I begged God for it. I forgot how to love intensely.
I
am sorry I messed up, but hey what can you do but give it another go. Don’t
look at these stories as a description of me, but as a look into yourself.
Everyone is dealing with their own stuff right now. I get it. It is so hard to
put up with all the little things and the big things seem so insurmountable
that you might as well just give up. How are you supposed to deal with them,
and still keep God in your life, and not only in your life but at the forefront
of it? It’s not always an easy thing. Look at me, I failed pretty badly, but I
am going to keep going. Hey, it’s not like I don’t still feel the way I have
been all week, nothing got easier now that I remembered this. But it seems
worth it again. Listen, life is never going to be simple or easy… and love is
difficult for humanity because of original sin, but it is worth pursuing,
because you all know what it is like to open a box and just feel incredible. That’s
what God will do, if you don’t lose sight of Him and push through to the end…
you will find everything you ever wanted, because His love is the gift, and
suffering is the boxes… you are so close, just don’t lose sight of Him. Don’t
give up, try again. Don’t lose hope. Pray for me and I will pray for you. God
help us!
God Love you,
AMDG
Peter James d`Aquino
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